The Voices in My Head

Hey, guys. I know I haven’t posted for a little while, but last week was just rough, and I didn't have the energy or the heart to put anything up.

Right now, before you read the rest of this post, I recommend that you take a moment to pray. If you’re anything like me, you’re probably reading this because you have a 3-minute window between activities in your massively-overloaded schedule, but trust me; take time to connect with God, even just for a minute. It’s worth it.

Even writing this post is hard. This issue is so close to my heart, and for many of you, it’ll probably be hard to read, because it’s something we all struggle with: insecurity.

A week or so ago, I said something in school that made it very clear to everyone around me what my views are: I stated that I believe homosexuality to be a wrong and unnatural way for people to live. I’m not really going to focus on what I actually said, though; that’s really not the point I’m trying to make. The point is that the instant I said it, I felt almost every person in the room turn to look at me. Then down at my shirt. Then back at me. My shirt said “Property of Jesus” on it.

Again; this isn’t really the point. I’m not looking to have a “homosexuality and the Bible” discussion; not right now. But wearing a shirt that identified me as a Christian and offering a controversial and rather unpopular opinion, I felt very marked. Very marked and very, very insecure.

I try to live totally uncompromising when it comes to God’s Word. But when everyone around me is trying to tell me the opposite, it gets really, really hard. For me, a Christian girl in a public high school, few topics are harder to deal with than purity.

I have a purity pledge, where I’ve promised myself to God and to the man He has chosen for me. But when no one at school notices me because I wear mostly t-shirts and jeans, it can be so tempting to pull out that v-neck, or that cute-but-low-cut sweater, just for the satisfaction of being noticed. I was told once, by a fellow high school girl, that if I would just “let go and draw a little attention to myself, guys might actually think you’re pretty enough to be noticed.” Whether or not she meant this to be insulting, I will never know. But the point remains that it hurts. While most of us don’t hear it this directly, we feel this message being thrown at us every day, and it’s hard to be secure in our purity.

But Jesus knew that the world was and will always be giving us this message, and in John 7:24, he commands the Pharisees, “‘Stop Judging by mere appearances and make a right judgment.’” We are not to focus on what we look like to other people, or what they look like to us. Still, though, it’s hard. It will always be. What do we do when we just can’t seem to get over the feeling that we’re not beautiful enough o ever be noticed? When we feel overcome by our own insecurity? When we can’t hear God because there are too many voices screaming at us that we aren’t worth anything? I hear these voices in my head almost every day, trying to make me believe these lies. How do I handle it? What do we do?

Run to Jesus. If I had a dime for every time I’ve cried myself to sleep begging God to show me that someone really will think I’m beautiful, I would be rich beyond compare. There’s no shame in crying out for God to just get you through one more day. Some nights, it’s too hard even to pray; I just have to trust that He knows what I need, and that He’s holding me.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” –Psalm 34:18